Alma DyeWho Carries the Weight?
Unfortunately, a vast majority of us survivors carry around the weight of shame after being sexually abused. The sexual abuser is the one who needs to carry the weight. Place shame where it belongs, on the sexual abuser! They are to shame and not us!
The Rape of Tamar
Have you read the story of the rape of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-22?
Amnon had a half sister named Tamar. Their father was king David. Amnon was “desperately in love” with Tamar because she was beautiful and a virgin, to the point that he made himself sick with obsession because he thought he could never have her. The law prohibited unlawful sexual relations between brother and sister Leviticus 18:9 but that did not stop Amnon. As Amnon was in “torment” morning after morning his very crafty friend Jonadab (who was also his cousin), seeing him in this manner, came up with a devised plan telling Amnon to pretend to be sick and make a request from his father, king David, for Tamar to take care of him by feeding him.
King David tells Tamar to tend to Amnon. Tamar arrives to Amnon’s house and prepares the food. She sets the cakes before him so he can eat but Amnon refuses. At this time Amnon tells everyone who is in his home to leave. He then asks Tamar to go into his chambers so she can feed him. Tamar does what Amnon asks and when she brings the cakes near him, Amnon takes hold of her and asks his sister to “lie down” with him or to have sexual relations.
So Tamar says to Amnon, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? 2 Samuel 13:12-13
The Shame After Sexual Abuse
Amnon put Tamar to shame before he raped her because she knew what he was going to do. Tamar pleaded with Amnon to not commit this wicked crime against her. She tried to gain time by telling him that their father, king David, can give her to him as wife. She knew that the law prohibited marriage between half siblings Leviticus 18:9. Amnon didn’t want to marry her but wanted sex. He didn’t listen but forced himself on her.
After he rapes her, suddenly Amnon’s hatred for Tamar was greater than the “love” he had for her. Furthermore, he told her in 2 Samuel 13:15 to “Get out of here!” She tried to reason with him, telling him not to send her away because that was greater than what he had done to her. Previously, a virgin who had been raped was unmarriageable Deuteronomy 22:28-29. Again he didn’t listen to her plea but told one of his servants to put her out and bolt the door behind her 2 Samuel 13:17.
2 Samuel 13:19 And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.
Tamar, a virgin, had torn her long robe which stated she had been violated of her virginity. The ashes represented death, a sign of mourning Esther 4:1-3.
Amnon shamed Tamar, robbed her virginity, degraded her, shamed her and sent her off. The bible says Tamar lived as a desolate woman 2 Samuel 13:20. She never married.
Sexual abuse is a horrible crime! Nevertheless, shame took root of Tamar, a shame that was never, ever meant for her or us to carry. We need to place shame where it belongs, on the sexual abuser!
Why Shame The Abuser?
In December of 2019 I wrote a letter to my abuser telling him that I will no longer feel obligated to protect his name or reputation. That I will no longer remain quiet and that I’m speaking out and telling my story. Moreover, I made the choice to stop taking pity on him. My brother is a wolf. It’s been two years since I sent that letter and he’s never shown fruits of repentance.
Shame should be painful and embarrassing for the abuser. Abusers should stand alone so that shame can take a hold of their lives. If you are still within your states statute of limitations make a report. Even if your statutes has expired still report. Should they ever harm anyone else, your report can help future victims.
If they are claiming Christianity, report all the more! They must need to have brokenness and contrition for their crime Psalm 51:17. Because they have afflicted, caused shame and pain, they must have godly sorrow that leads to repentance, a repentance that leads to salvation 2 Corinthians 7:10. If they have none of the above in my opinion they are wolves. And let me tell you, wolves never turn to sheep! As a matter of fact, the bible says to avoid such people because they don’t serve God but their own appetites Romans 16:17-18. Churches should protect the flock!
I’m not saying to go out of your way to place an “abuser” banner on the front lawn of your abuser as a means to shame them. What I am saying is that sexual abusers are dangerous people and they need to be called out by name. When you start speaking out that’s when you give back the shame you have carried for your abuser off your shoulders.
Temptation or Conspiracy?
Amnon premeditated to violate Tamar. Amnon didn’t “fall into temptation,” he conspired to rape his sister. Tamar is inside his house and then Amnon moves her into his chambers, intending to harm her. In my opinion, Amnon was as crafty as Jonadab (akin to the serpent in Genesis 3:1). Why? He followed through with his lustful sin that was burning in his heart for Tamar.
You did not tempt your abuser they conspired against you. Yes, temptation is real, I don’t doubt that at all 1 Peter 5:8. However, when I hear people say a person “fell into temptation” for abusing someone, that’s cheapening sexual abuse. That is wrong on so many levels! You don’t just fall into sexually harming someone. Evil people do evil things that come out of an evil heart Luke 6:45. There’s always intentionality behind conspiring against someone when it comes to sexual abuse. Point blank!
Don’t Shame Yourself Anymore
Please do not shame yourself for what happened to you. You did nothing wrong to cause someone to abuse you. You did not tempt or cause your abuser to harm you but your abuser conspired against you.
A sexual predator always has a precise plan. They know who their victim will be. Predators are calculating and they don’t fear to get caught. The perpetrator shows no remorse for what they’ve done. The perpetrator shows no shame for what they’ve done. They only care to satisfy their lustful hearts not matter who they hurt.
When I began speaking out about my sexual abuse I chose to give back my abuser’s shame that I was carrying for him. And as I read Isaiah 53:1-12 a lightbulb went off. “Jesus took my shame on the Cross when He died for me for the sins I committed. ME, MY SHAME, MY SINS!” If Jesus died for me I need not to live ashamed of what happened to me. I was set free from shame! I told myself that I would no longer carry the shame of another! Our abuser needs to carry the weight of shame for what they caused on our lives, not us. We have carried enough on our shoulders.
Let’s place shame where it belongs, give it back to your abuser. Shame, shame go away!
PRAYER: Thank you Jesus that we understand that you died on the Cross for us by taking on our sin and shame. May we never take Your gift for granted. Help us to no longer feel the shame that was never meant for us to carry so we can experience your joy fully. Amen.
Until He makes all things new Revelation 21:4-5.